I'm going down (in a good way not a dirty way)

Guess what? You can be a little bit pregnant. HCG level that rocketed down from over 6000 to 583 are currently at 34. What's the magic number? -2

Anything over -2 is considered still knocked up - but not really.

So I'm 36 away from being able to drink and have sex. The two things that got me into this mess. (I can't do either because my ovary could still rupture. -2 means all the tissue is gone or at least that is what the doctor I saw today told me.)

I feel better. I'm up and about all day now, no more naps. I have energy to clean and take care of shit that has been piling up around here. So yay!

And we've been handling this with the same good humor we handle everything with... there are lots of jokes and laughs. This has been scary. But I'm getting better slowly but surely.

So it's June - here's your update (it's a doozy)

I have this boyfriend. I like him a whole bunch. He's smart, funny, kind, cute and has this super sperm.

Wait...what?

Yes. My boyfriend has Super Sperm. Trust me. It has to be super because it navigated that overgrown den of death called by lady bits and managed to knock me up.

Of course my lady bits were having none of it so my uterus promptly said "uh no -don't you drag that thing in here" and my tubes, the waste land of scar tissue that they are said "no worries we couldn't if we wanted to". And the rest of me said, "fuck it, she's 36 and smokes like a chimney, is 30 lbs (the rest of me is kind) overweight, this is not going to end well".

So ignoring the pains that I had almost immediately upon the pregnancy test coming back positive and the lacksidaisicle attitude of my OB/GYN "Oh, it's you Ms. Fibriods, Cysts and PCOS? We'll see you in week 9." I ended up in the ER at 6 weeks 4 days with an Ectopic pregnancy.

At first the ER treated me kind of like I was 1950's housewife with a hysterical pregnancy. I had no blood work done prior to coming in - just some pain and a knowledge that something wasn't right. They took my blood and sent me off to Ultra Sound where the tech asked me twice if I was sure I was pregnant. Ummm....yeah 5 tests worth of sure. Several times the attending Doctor in the ER told me it was highly unlikely I would have gotten 5 false positives. I felt kind of like a liar. I was actually starting to question if I really was pregnant. It wasn't until my blood work came back with an HCG level of 3000 that my pregnancy was believed. And once they got the on duty Gynecologist down there, I was in good hands.

She did a D&C on my uterus to see if the tissue in it was pregnancy (it wasn't). The ultrasound was read by the radiologist who found the sac in my ovary. After some discussion it was decided the best way to treat it was with a shot of Methotrexate.

Methotrexate is the devil.

The ER doctor (who seriously was a peach - I wish she practiced here, she would be my doctor) said she would give me this shot and it would stop the cells from growing. That I would probably bleed in a few days. My hormone level with increase by Monday and decrease afterwards. The best instructions she gave me were: No Sex. No Sun. No Vitamins. No Motrin.

So I got the shot. I went home. I was a little sick on Saturday. A little sick on Sunday and then Monday all hell broke loose. I went to get my hormone levels checked on Monday and they were over 6000. I started to cramp and bleed on Monday night. And cramp and bleed. And then on Tuesday and Wednesday I was a sobbing mess in addition to cramping and bleeding. On Thursday I got my blood checked again and my HCG level was 583. So that explained the crying jag I had been on. I continue to cramp and bleed and feel crummy. Methotrexate has managed to completely fuck up my health. I can't drink either (something I figured out when using Dr. Google to diagnose my condition) so I am super grumpy.

The best part about the entire hospital visit was when I got the shot. Methotrexate is a Chemo drug so the Doctor had to put on all this gear to administer the shot. The whole time I was thinking "why does she have to wear all that stuff to get the shot together but it can get jammed in my butt cheek with no precautions?"

As I laid on my side waiting for her to needle me, I faced my boyfriend who said simply "That's a big needle. It looks like a straw". You're not helping, honey.

I'm better than I was. I'm lucky. Nothing ruptured. I will live to fight another day. I can not imagine the torture and horror this would be if I had been trying to get pregnant. My heart goes out to all the women on the fertility message boards I have been perusing. Their information has provided me with a whole lot of knowledge my doctor didn't give me.

I'm also lucky because my boyfriend has been amazing through this. He didn't freak out when I found out I was knocked up. He was supportive and caring. He asked all the right questions at the hospital. He held my hand and found me socks. He listened. He has put up with the amazing mood swings I have been going through. He has listened to me describe the blood flow and cramping well past the point that he should have to. He watched me feel my boobs several times a day trying to decide if things were different. He has sat on the couch and cuddled me. He has been the best.

And the way I'm going to show him how much I appreciate him? Find a doctor to do a vasectomy.

DId I tell you I had a Birthday? In January. Yeah, I never update.

Hi. It's been awhile, huh? Sorry. Not much has happened in the last 2 and a half months (holy fuck, why do I keep this blog?). Christmas came and went. 2010 showed up and brought with it my 36th birthday. 36. Can you believe it? I can't. I'm a grown up age. 36. I should have a kid or something (If I liked them). Or a dog (If Brownie liked them). Definitely a better job. Maybe a husband I live with. A house I not only own but I live in. You know, normal grown up stuff.

So my 35th year was one of transition. The first year I lived on my own, paid my own bills, proved to myself that I could be happy alone. For the most part I have been happier than I was. I made some new friends, and lost some old ones. Met someone special. Broke up with that someone special. 4 or 5 times. Lucky for me, he doesn't listen.

On January 31st, and that boy did the sweetest thing for me anyone has ever done and it resulted in the best birthday I have had since my Roller Skating Birthday or the McDonald's Birthday (10 & 6 respectively).

I awoke on Sunday morning, cozy in my squirrel PJs. We talked and laughed and loved a little bit then I drove home (still in my jammies), I stopped for muffins and lattes on my way. Once home, I read and putzed around until about 3 when I got ready to meet my bf at the movies - we had plans to see Crazy Heart.

We met at the local NP movie theater, and as we got up to purchase our tickets, he pulled out a piece of paper and said "She's a member". I have been talking about being a member at that theater for months and never really got around to it. We love that theater - it's a 3 screen art house type in the suburbs. The town it's in is really cool, a bunch of different amazing restaurants (From Irish to Indian and a whole bunch in between). I was so happy with the membership - now we can go to the Movies for $4.75! It was this amazingly sweet surprise. It would have been more than enough to have the membership.

Total Side Note: Crazy Heart is a great movie but I will agree with a bunch of folks that it The Wrestler with country Music, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Except Maggie Gyllenhaal - her motives were unclear, her characters actions were odd and I just didn't like her in this movie. But you should totally see it because, Bridges is going to win an Oscar tomorrow night. (In the 6 weeks it has taken me to write this entry, the only thing I can say is HA! I was right! Bridges = Oscar).

After the movie I went to pee and when I came back Patrick was acting at best a little squirrely - texting a way and being rather secretive. I couldn't quiet peg what he was up to, but I didn't really push it. We left the theater deep in movie discussion mode which is our way. We wandered across the street to a restaurant Em had recommended. We were talking and laughing and having a great time. The hostess took our name for the reservation and led us upstairs. As we got closer to the table I thought "huh, that looks like Emily. And Aham. Why would they be here together?" Then it dawned on me (I'm a little slow) Em, Noah, Jaime, Brian and his ladyfriend and My Aham were all there for my birthday dinner. I was shocked, surprised and really, really pleased.

No one has ever done something so kind for me. Patrick and I work together. We like each other, but he's not super friendly with anyone else. I am super friendly with everyone. To a fucking fault (see my next entry, why I am failing miserably at my job - coming in June at this rate). That he went out of his way to get everyone together for me was amazing. I spent the entire night with the goofiest smile on my face. For days (weeks, and now months) afterwards I have been raving about how much this meant to me. I like this boy. He's kind. He's sweet. He's my best friend. He's terribly, terribly cute. And so fucking smart. And this amazing dad. I'm a lucky girl to have found a guy like him. He made the start of my 36th year on this planet something I will never forget. I can't thank him enough for this or for all the other things he has done for me over the last year. Fate did a good thing for us.

Of course, knowing me, I'll dump him next week for no real reason. I'm bad at this.

Oh the Weather is outside

So, snow. Yup. Snow on December 19th. Lots of it here in the Philly area - but where I live probably has about 5 inches as of now. So with the threat of snow, I decided today was a cookie baking day. I've made some snickerdoodles, mexican wedding cakes, gingerbread rounds (too lazy for men making), Oatmeal Toffee Chip Cookies, and Blondie bars. That should keep everyone happy.

I drank some wine and watched The Hangover, Whatever Works and The Soloist. I had seen The Hangover before, and it was just as good on second watch. I LOVED Whatever Works. Larry David and Woody Allen is a good combo. The Soloist made me stabby.

Presents are wrapped. I am terribly excited to give the boy his gifts. I got him some good stuff, and I think (I hope) he'll like them.

That's it. Life's been pretty boring lately. Movies, baking and wine in the snow.

You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?

Quickly! Ketchup! Catsup! Catch Up!

NaNoWriMo is eating my soul. Evidently I still suck at doing anything on a deadline - as if my less than stellar high school & college years weren't indication enough. I am woefully behind in my novel and I HATE IT. I am half heartedly plugging along but mostly am thinking I will work on my outline more and hopefully restart using the book the boy got me in January.

What I think is hilarious is that this blog was supposed to be the thing that helped me write every day (it didn't). So really, I was never going to be able to force myself to write 1700 words a day - Every day. So I'll keep trying. We'll see. Maybe I'll surprise myself. And really? Thanksgiving is a whole bunch of time I don't want to spend with my family...so maybe I'll write.

I saw a Serious Man over the weekend. Not exactly the Cohen Brothers best work. I'm still wondering exactly what the niche is for that movie.

I am reading "The Dome". Stephen King needs a better editor.

That's it. I'm reading, writing and seeing sorta bad movies.

Standing of the Verge

NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow. And I'm doing it this time - I've signed up, and my boy bought me a book on novel writing in a month. I'm ready to go...I'm nervous and scared and excited and thrilled.

For once in my life too I have someone standing in my corner cheering me on. Of all the things that this person has given me - the faith that they have given me in myself is amazing. I can't thank him enough for the support and love he's given me over the last year...knowing that someone is interested in you, cares about what you care about and chooses not to mock your passions but indulge them is amazing. I'm a lucky girl.

Speaking of the boy - we've progressed rather swimmingly to the next level of our relationship. We're out and we're proud. Or something like that. Last week we went to movie and dinner with his kids. It was nice, if not a little awkward for me, but we all spent time together which was nice.

I'm having a bit of crisis of faith lately. My life has not exactly been going the way I planned, I'm on the outs with my family, I'm stuck in the world's tiniest apartment, in a job I FUCKING HATE, etc etc etc... But I know that I can and will figure this all out and that when it's all over with I will emerge from the other end a happier lady.

So I'm off to work on my outline and finish my book. You may not hear much from me in November, but hopefully in December there will be 50,000 written words.

Girl you're looking at two big spenders

I had been kicking around going back to see Springsteen again on his last night in Philly 10/20. I knew I'd be going it alone, and I felt some trepidation about that, so I waited until the absolute last moment to buy my ticket and was rewarded with perhaps the best seat in the house (from my standpoint). Last row in the Spectrum - behind the stage. Sounds sucky, right? But it wasn't. There were video monitors and the stage is fairly open and Bruce was in full show mode... so he played up to the crowd even in the back. Plus there was plenty of room to dance - and man, I danced.

I really wanted to see "Born in The USA" preformed in its entirety. How could I not? Jeez, I don't know if there is an album that encapsulates 1984 better than that one. I wanted to a part of the E Street band with all my heart that year. In 85 I got the Springsteen live 75-85 box set and I poured over the pictures and listened and listened and listened (I am fairly certain that I can recite word for word the 20 minute chat Bruce has at the start of "Growin' Up").

I got to the Spectrum about 45 minutes early and without Mr. Pants there to direct me, I wandered past my section, couldn't find the crab fries, and waited forever to pee. The plus side is without Mr. Pants there I was able to push my way through the crowd without feeling bad and I was able to read for a bit once I got to my seat. Having a book there was a great relief for me (when I'm nervous reading shuts me down) and a huge source of amusement for the people in my section, which led to a nice ice breaker, so even though I was alone, I felt like I was part of a common experience.

Around 8:20 Bruce and Band took the stage and ripped into the "Price you Pay" - which hasn't been played live since 81. Why they chose to play it the last night in Philly is beyond me, but it was a great night if you love "The River" - 3 tracks(and 1 outtake) from it in one night - "The Price You Pay", "The River", "Hungry Heart", & "Loose Ends" - if only "You Can Look (but you better not touch)" was played. Anyway they played and played and played... and Bruce was in great spirits - surprising me time and time again - with the soul he sang "I'm on Fire", with the opening strains of "The River" which forced me to send out several texts to people i haven't talked to in ages announcing THE MOTHERFUCKING RIVER because everyone knows that drunk Maria loves that song (if you've seen me bombed, you've heard me sing "The River" or "Glory Days" - what can I say? I'm maudlin). But the highlight of my night? "Spirit in the Night". That is one of my favorite songs EVER. Not just a Springsteen song, not just live, no just from my childhood, but from the moment I heard it until now - recorded a year before my birth - you could say I've loved this song as long as I've loved music.

I could continue to wax poetic about this concert and all of the songs on an individual basis, but I'll never do it justice, so I'll leave you here with a set list:

Setlist:
The Price You Pay (with Curt Ramm)
Wrecking Ball (with Curt Ramm)
Out in the Street
Hungry Heart
Working on a Dream
Born in the U.S.A.
Cover Me
Darlington County
Working on the Highway
Downbound Train
I'm on Fire
No Surrender
Bobby Jean
I'm Goin' Down
Glory Days
Dancing in the Dark
My Hometown
The Promised Land
The River
Long Walk Home
The Rising
Born to Run
Higher and Higher (with Curt Ramm)
* * *
Spirit in the Night (with Vini Lopez)
Loose Ends
Kitty's Back (with Curt Ramm)
American Land (with Curt Ramm)
Save the Last Dance for Me
Waitin' on a Sunny Day
Thunder Road
Rosalita (with Curt Ramm)

And two videos - "Spirit in the Night" because I love it. And "Higher and Higher", which if you've never seen Bruce Springsteen and the E Street band - this cover is reason enough that you should - Bruce pulled a sign out of the audience, they worked out the keys right there in front of everyone and fucking killed - look at the fun the crowd is having - look at the fun the band is having - seriously. Catch them next time they're near you - you won't regret it.