If wishes were fishes

I'm eating Gummi Bears as I type this - and on is a mutant bear with an arm growing out of his back. I'm wishing all my gummies were mutants.

Wow.

I was blown away by this video this morning - it sums up a lot of what my friends and I have been discussing when it comes to Sarah Palin.

Wasting away on the Couch

If it's possible, my ass is going to grow into the couch and become some awful Couchass. I have spent 90% of this weekend sitting here, nervously watching the TV and double checking my stocks vs my home's value and my work email (still have a job!). It has not been a pleasant weekend.

Bully is Me

Back from Vacation and trying unsuccessfully to ready myself for the return to work tomorrow. We had a week. There is no adjective there for several reasons:

1. It may seem like a lovely idea to spend a week at the beach with your husband, brother, sister in law, niece, nephew, brother in law and best friend. It is not.

2. When 14 year old nephew tosses sand into 10 year old niece's eye during happy hour on the beach, 4 mildly panicking, drunk adults and one sober one should not make the trip to the emergency room. And by toss I meant stacked an obscene amount of sand into her eye, to the point where the entire corner of her eye was full of sand. For the rest of the evening, you would look at here and see a glob of sand rolling down her cheek.

Why would a 14 year old do that? He was "pretending to fling feces". And he's not developmentally challenged. Or so they tell me.

3. All I could think during the above mentioned incident was "We're heading back, Tod's got zesty Italian in his eye".

4. BFF and I went for Massages. Husband has been complaining about his back pain, he went for a massage that for some reason involved his ass being rubbed for hours.

5. My BiL had never heard of an Ocelot. We were having a discussion about how the Ocelot is the favorite animal of a coworker of mine. BiL: "Why does a grown man have a favorite animal". "I remember the first time I heard of an Ocelot. It was when you started telling this story".

6. The day I went for my massage, we went to the zoo in the morning. When I got naked at the spa, climbed under the sheet, I realized that she probably wanted me to climb between the sheets. As I was sitting there with sheet in my hand, she walked in, I quickly clasped it to my chest and announced "I went to the zoo today" and fell backwards onto the table. I thought it would distract her from my being wrong in the sheets - all it did was prove I'm awkward.

7. My BiL decided that I'm a bully and that people are afraid of me. Which really pissed me off, and made me realize he's right.

8. By Thursday I had had it with everyone and started trying to plan my escape.

9. Next year am going away with just husband.

The Suckiest Day that ever Sucked

I tripped on my way back to my desk this morning and sprained my ankle.

Then at lunch I broke one on my molars eating GRANOLA.

And because I stayed up until 12:30 AM watching gymnastics I drank a piss load of coffee and feel all headachy and shaky.

Gah.

No one believes me

Not too many people like to go to work. Out of everyone I know only Mr. Pants loves his job. His boss is thousands of miles away, he travels extensively and likes what he does. He's one of the lucky ones. I work in an office full of psycho and idiots. We put "The Office" to shame.

Examples:
One of the guys I work with - whose job is not the kind of job you can call out from - he is the customer contact guy - called out yesterday.
Reason?
He ate too many chicken nuggets the night before.

That's actually the best reason he's come up with in awhile.

Previous excuses include:
Coworker: My cat is missing. I won't be in
Me: Oh my God! I'm so sorry! When did she get out?
Coworker: We don't know. The last time we remember seeing her was last week. But I can't work knowing she's lost.

This excused him and his girlfriend from work - conveniently on a Friday. And then cat never came back.

Coworker: I won't be in today.
Me: Oh. Are you sick?
Coworker: Kind of. Hungover mostly. Last night I taped two forties to my hands - you know, Edward Fortyhands? And I feel crappy today.

Ever since the DUI he's late once a week "because the bus sucks".

These are not the call outs of a 22 year old. He's like 30? Maybe older.

And he's one of the best employees we have...

Things I say to my coworkers that I probably shouldn't

To the guy in the next office:
If they didn't pay me, I would never speak to you.

To his girlfriend who works down the hall:
Sometimes you have to look at your life and realize not only does your job suck, but your boyfriend is a loser.