To look ahead you have to look behind.

So Christmas is over. It passed in such a blur of personal problems and health concerns, that I didn't enjoy it at all. I am glad it's over and I look forward to what 2009 holds in store for me. There are times that I am shocked by the passage of time. 2 years ago I was getting laid off from Staples and spent a good portion of the next 6 months wandering aimlessly through life. In order to escape that aimlessness I made a serious of bad decisions (some of which I am still making). Will I be able to fix that next year? Probably not, but I am more conscious of those decisions now and weighing their outcome over their benefits.

I'm very curious as to what the story of the journey of my life will tell when it is all done. I have a couple of dear friends. I have a family that I love (albeit in my own prickly way). I have a job that neither sets the world on fire nor makes a difference in anyone's life, yet I am doing fairly well in it. I have my books, my things, my habits and words that make me me. And while I know that 2009 is going to be more difficult than I think I am capable of dealing with, I am going to try to figure it out.

Life is scary sometimes. And right now I am really scared. I could lose my job. I could get sick. I could spend the rest of my life as the crazy cat lady. Or I could find a new job. Fall in love. Make a new friend. Get a dog. Why is it always so easy to look ahead and only see the things you can't do? Or to see the obstacles that stand in your way? Why is so damn difficult to look ahead and say these good things will happen to me? Why am I so pessimistic?

A couple of years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that Super Ex and I would come to some kind of understanding. That he would wake up one day and realize it was me he loved. He would realize his mistakes and stop drinking in order to make it up to me. We would fall back into love and have this magical, awesome life together. Regardless of how fictional I knew that dream was, I held on to it. I gave him chance after chance only to be let down time and time again. Flash forward to today, and I know how foolish that dream was, and I'm over it (and he's in prison). But that dream was impossible to accomplish, because even if he stopped drinking and smoking crack or shooting up, we would still have all the baggage from when we were together last. Yet, I planned and thought that it was something that could - no, WOULD happen. And it didn't. But it turns out the best thing that could have happened to me is that it didn't.

I am very introspective lately, so bear with me. I am going to have nothing but time to spend here, so strap in kids. There is a lot of meandering stories to be told. And maybe by looking backwards at my life (and mistakes) I'll be able to see patterns and figure out how not to repeat them.

Or maybe I'll just type a lot of nonsense here that no one will read.

Never mind

So I thought I was setting myself up for utter and complete depression, that the thing in my personal life that seemed so gigantic on Monday and Tuesday was unresolvable. Turns out it wasn't. One longish conversation later, and things are wonderfully awful.

Timing is a bitch.

I've spent the last year or so in a state of constant unhappiness, but I was completely unsure of how to resolve that. I felt stagnate. I felt like what was the point of changing my life, what were my possibilities?

Turns out I have a lot of possibilities. Before Wednesday I felt like I was standing in the dark woods, with no way to figure out how to go forward or backward.

Today, the woods are full of light, and while I'm confused and mildly unhappy about my sour pickle, I am looking forward to the future. For the first time in a long time there seems to be so much I could do. So much I would want to do. I hope it all works out.

The best laid plans are often wrecked with a word. So I am hesitant to put down the specifics of what is going on... needless to say soon everyone will know, but right now I need to hold this one close and figure out where I'm headed. When I have an idea, I'll be sure to share it here.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Every so often I find myself face to face with crippling depression. I see it coming, but am unable to get away from it. I start thinking about the things that are wrong. Once I've picked out everything that's wrong I pretend they are not issues and ignore them. I stop eating. I stop sleeping. I throw myself into something full force and make it my number one focus. Until the non issues become too big to ignore.

Lately my number one distracting focus has been work. I wake up panicky at 4 am. I stay late. I work weekends. I am constantly checking my email. I am burning myself out.

But also because my personal life is sucky right now and I've been avoiding it for too long, I am going to hit this one hard. It's like standing on the brink of utter self loathing and deciding to jump in anyway.

I know the next couple of weeks are going to be rough.

Gah. I hate my life right now.

Here. Take These.

I have never ever bought a gift for someone I've only known awhile. If I'm buying a gift then I know you well enough to know what you'd want. Mostly because I've asked you exactly what it is you want. I've written about my friend at work - our relationship started out as a mentoring type of relationship, he showed a lot of faith in me when I basically had none. He helped me become more sure of myself at work and quickly became someone I admired.

I'd like to say the election cemented our friendship. Suddenly I found that I had a whole lot of political views that I wanted to share. And share I did. Lucky for me, he wanted to listen. And share his views. Our conversations spread from election coverage to pop culture to personal stuff. I honestly find it almost impossible to believe that I've made a new friend. I haven't made a new friend since Dizzy - like 10 years ago. I'm very lucky to have done so at my age.

Which brings us to Christmas. I don't buy for my girlfriends. I don't buy for my brothers. I don't buy for coworkers. Basically I buy for the kids. That's it. But I wanted to get something for my new friend. I know a lot about him, and I am constantly recommending books, cds or movies. But no one wants a gift because the it was something the giver would like - the whole idea of gift giving is to give something the RECIPIENT will like. I thought I had a pretty good idea of getting him a book about the Phillies So last week I went to Borders and stood there staring at the sports books. Let me state again for the record, that I know nothing about sports. And even less about sports books. I couldn't find one that seemed like it would be cool or interesting. I did, however, find a book that I thought "I would even read this". So I picked it up. Brought it home and wrapped it up.

Cut to this week. We're talking about Christmas and presents and the subject of Amazon Wishlists came up. I decide to check his wishlist to see what kind of stuff he's wishing for (Nosy, Nosy Wishypants). And guess what?

The book I bought him is on his Wishlist.

I am so fucking proud of this fact...It is making me crazy. I totally want to give him his present just so I can tell him about my amazing gift figuring out skills. I am amazing!

Although I also got him a Me First & the Gimmee Gimmees CD, because I like them and it can't always be about the Recipient, can it?

But that leads me to a conundrum- we don't exchange gifts at work (or at least last year no one exchanged them with me). So how do I give him these gifts without looking like I am either excluding everyone else or trying to fuck him (which has been the gossip). I was thinking of asking him to walk me to my car next Tuesday night, but that seems creepy.

I have a sneaking suspicion these gifts are going to be returned ungiven. Because I don't know how to give them. I'll keep you posted. Maybe I'll just sneak them into his desk when he's not looking.

Stress. It's what's for dinner. And Breakfast. And Lunch.

Have you ever been so stressed out that food doesn't taste good? That you get some weird rash? That your slowly driving everyone around you away with your miserable attitude?

That's me!

I am freaking out like 95% of the time. I'm becoming this person I don't even recognize. I feel like I am constantly play acting. Instead of screaming and crying, I laugh and touch arms. I'm the meanest flirt in the world. I try so hard to be this nice, kind person. And I think it's killing me.

Life Changer

I'm not really a gadget girl. I text a lot so my cell phone is the LG Rumor - I only use it to text. I'm always shocked when it rings. The fancy IPhone is unnecessary to me. I have a laptop - but I really only use it for Internet stuff. I used to play The Sims on it, but I lost interest in that. I have a MP3 player- but it's not an Ipod, instead I have a 30 gig something that works. I've never had to have the latest or greatest thing.

Until I read about the Kindle. I adore reading. It is my hobby. I always have to have a book with me - just in case. I used to carry a paperback to bars with me in case I got bored. So when I saw the Kindle last year I thought "I need that". I compared it to the Sony E Reader and the Kindle was superior. The price was way too high, I thought. I tried to convince myself I didn't need it. That I would be wasting my money. That would be money I could spend on books! So I did what I always do, and wrote a pros and cons list - then I waited until May and finally relented and bought myself one. And holy shit! I fell in love.

Since I got my kindle I've read:

1. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
2. Moonlight
3. Stolen Innocence
4. Black Olives
5. Looking for Salvation at the Dairy Queen
6. Madness
7. Once Upon a Day
8. Spirit House
9. Darkly Dreaming Dexter
10. Breaking Dawn
11. Dearly Devoted Dexter
12. The Song Reader
13. American Wife: a Novel
14. Girls in Trouble
15. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
16. The Myth of You & Me
17. The Surgeon
18. Towelhead
19. Pieces of my Sister's life
20. Story of a Girl
21. How Not to Be Popular
22. Little Stalker
23. Songs for the Missing
24. The Talisman
25. Truth & Consequences
26. Dark Resurrection
27. Escape
28. The Book Of Skulls
29. The Bush Tragedy
30. Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married
31. Assassination Vacation
32. Firefly Cloak: A Novel
33. Mermaids in the Basement

Listing them all out like that makes me seem crazy. I read a lot of YA and Chick Lit. Probably too much. I read a ton of light fluff.

I haven't given up on regular books though. I've read about 10 actual paper / hard backs since I got the Kindle. You'll read a lot of criticism of the Kindle if you look around the web. The buttons are difficult to not accidentally hit. The back button is a pain in the ass because I always hit it accidentally and it totally looses my place. However, I enjoy reading on the Kindle more than a regular book. I really thought I would always see the buttons, but I don't. I've also finally gotten comfortable holding it and not accidentally hitting the next and previous buttons. The screen is amazing. It reads like a book - it looks like a printed book. I rarely have an issue with the room being too dark for me to read the kindle.

The portability of it makes it the best thing ever in my mind! When I used to go on vacation I would have to pack 6 to 8 books. I read a lot of new releases, so that meant schlepping along at least one heavy book. If I was flying I would have to take at least two books in my carry on just in case. Chances were better than not that I would run out of books while I was away, and would have to find a book store and buy more. The kindle stopped that. I can simply download a book where ever I am. I LOVE THAT. LOVE IT.

While we were down the shore, American Wife came out. I love Cutis Sittenfeld and am fascinated with Laura Bush - so I was really looking forward to that one. Normally I would drive to the book store on that Tuesday and buy it in hardback. Then I'd feel guilty I was spending $25 on a book. This time I was able to download it the day it was released while I sat on the beach! And it was only $9.99. That to me was worth the price of The Kindle.

I love you Kindle. You've changed my life.