To look ahead you have to look behind.

So Christmas is over. It passed in such a blur of personal problems and health concerns, that I didn't enjoy it at all. I am glad it's over and I look forward to what 2009 holds in store for me. There are times that I am shocked by the passage of time. 2 years ago I was getting laid off from Staples and spent a good portion of the next 6 months wandering aimlessly through life. In order to escape that aimlessness I made a serious of bad decisions (some of which I am still making). Will I be able to fix that next year? Probably not, but I am more conscious of those decisions now and weighing their outcome over their benefits.

I'm very curious as to what the story of the journey of my life will tell when it is all done. I have a couple of dear friends. I have a family that I love (albeit in my own prickly way). I have a job that neither sets the world on fire nor makes a difference in anyone's life, yet I am doing fairly well in it. I have my books, my things, my habits and words that make me me. And while I know that 2009 is going to be more difficult than I think I am capable of dealing with, I am going to try to figure it out.

Life is scary sometimes. And right now I am really scared. I could lose my job. I could get sick. I could spend the rest of my life as the crazy cat lady. Or I could find a new job. Fall in love. Make a new friend. Get a dog. Why is it always so easy to look ahead and only see the things you can't do? Or to see the obstacles that stand in your way? Why is so damn difficult to look ahead and say these good things will happen to me? Why am I so pessimistic?

A couple of years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that Super Ex and I would come to some kind of understanding. That he would wake up one day and realize it was me he loved. He would realize his mistakes and stop drinking in order to make it up to me. We would fall back into love and have this magical, awesome life together. Regardless of how fictional I knew that dream was, I held on to it. I gave him chance after chance only to be let down time and time again. Flash forward to today, and I know how foolish that dream was, and I'm over it (and he's in prison). But that dream was impossible to accomplish, because even if he stopped drinking and smoking crack or shooting up, we would still have all the baggage from when we were together last. Yet, I planned and thought that it was something that could - no, WOULD happen. And it didn't. But it turns out the best thing that could have happened to me is that it didn't.

I am very introspective lately, so bear with me. I am going to have nothing but time to spend here, so strap in kids. There is a lot of meandering stories to be told. And maybe by looking backwards at my life (and mistakes) I'll be able to see patterns and figure out how not to repeat them.

Or maybe I'll just type a lot of nonsense here that no one will read.

Never mind

So I thought I was setting myself up for utter and complete depression, that the thing in my personal life that seemed so gigantic on Monday and Tuesday was unresolvable. Turns out it wasn't. One longish conversation later, and things are wonderfully awful.

Timing is a bitch.

I've spent the last year or so in a state of constant unhappiness, but I was completely unsure of how to resolve that. I felt stagnate. I felt like what was the point of changing my life, what were my possibilities?

Turns out I have a lot of possibilities. Before Wednesday I felt like I was standing in the dark woods, with no way to figure out how to go forward or backward.

Today, the woods are full of light, and while I'm confused and mildly unhappy about my sour pickle, I am looking forward to the future. For the first time in a long time there seems to be so much I could do. So much I would want to do. I hope it all works out.

The best laid plans are often wrecked with a word. So I am hesitant to put down the specifics of what is going on... needless to say soon everyone will know, but right now I need to hold this one close and figure out where I'm headed. When I have an idea, I'll be sure to share it here.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Every so often I find myself face to face with crippling depression. I see it coming, but am unable to get away from it. I start thinking about the things that are wrong. Once I've picked out everything that's wrong I pretend they are not issues and ignore them. I stop eating. I stop sleeping. I throw myself into something full force and make it my number one focus. Until the non issues become too big to ignore.

Lately my number one distracting focus has been work. I wake up panicky at 4 am. I stay late. I work weekends. I am constantly checking my email. I am burning myself out.

But also because my personal life is sucky right now and I've been avoiding it for too long, I am going to hit this one hard. It's like standing on the brink of utter self loathing and deciding to jump in anyway.

I know the next couple of weeks are going to be rough.

Gah. I hate my life right now.

Here. Take These.

I have never ever bought a gift for someone I've only known awhile. If I'm buying a gift then I know you well enough to know what you'd want. Mostly because I've asked you exactly what it is you want. I've written about my friend at work - our relationship started out as a mentoring type of relationship, he showed a lot of faith in me when I basically had none. He helped me become more sure of myself at work and quickly became someone I admired.

I'd like to say the election cemented our friendship. Suddenly I found that I had a whole lot of political views that I wanted to share. And share I did. Lucky for me, he wanted to listen. And share his views. Our conversations spread from election coverage to pop culture to personal stuff. I honestly find it almost impossible to believe that I've made a new friend. I haven't made a new friend since Dizzy - like 10 years ago. I'm very lucky to have done so at my age.

Which brings us to Christmas. I don't buy for my girlfriends. I don't buy for my brothers. I don't buy for coworkers. Basically I buy for the kids. That's it. But I wanted to get something for my new friend. I know a lot about him, and I am constantly recommending books, cds or movies. But no one wants a gift because the it was something the giver would like - the whole idea of gift giving is to give something the RECIPIENT will like. I thought I had a pretty good idea of getting him a book about the Phillies So last week I went to Borders and stood there staring at the sports books. Let me state again for the record, that I know nothing about sports. And even less about sports books. I couldn't find one that seemed like it would be cool or interesting. I did, however, find a book that I thought "I would even read this". So I picked it up. Brought it home and wrapped it up.

Cut to this week. We're talking about Christmas and presents and the subject of Amazon Wishlists came up. I decide to check his wishlist to see what kind of stuff he's wishing for (Nosy, Nosy Wishypants). And guess what?

The book I bought him is on his Wishlist.

I am so fucking proud of this fact...It is making me crazy. I totally want to give him his present just so I can tell him about my amazing gift figuring out skills. I am amazing!

Although I also got him a Me First & the Gimmee Gimmees CD, because I like them and it can't always be about the Recipient, can it?

But that leads me to a conundrum- we don't exchange gifts at work (or at least last year no one exchanged them with me). So how do I give him these gifts without looking like I am either excluding everyone else or trying to fuck him (which has been the gossip). I was thinking of asking him to walk me to my car next Tuesday night, but that seems creepy.

I have a sneaking suspicion these gifts are going to be returned ungiven. Because I don't know how to give them. I'll keep you posted. Maybe I'll just sneak them into his desk when he's not looking.

Stress. It's what's for dinner. And Breakfast. And Lunch.

Have you ever been so stressed out that food doesn't taste good? That you get some weird rash? That your slowly driving everyone around you away with your miserable attitude?

That's me!

I am freaking out like 95% of the time. I'm becoming this person I don't even recognize. I feel like I am constantly play acting. Instead of screaming and crying, I laugh and touch arms. I'm the meanest flirt in the world. I try so hard to be this nice, kind person. And I think it's killing me.

Life Changer

I'm not really a gadget girl. I text a lot so my cell phone is the LG Rumor - I only use it to text. I'm always shocked when it rings. The fancy IPhone is unnecessary to me. I have a laptop - but I really only use it for Internet stuff. I used to play The Sims on it, but I lost interest in that. I have a MP3 player- but it's not an Ipod, instead I have a 30 gig something that works. I've never had to have the latest or greatest thing.

Until I read about the Kindle. I adore reading. It is my hobby. I always have to have a book with me - just in case. I used to carry a paperback to bars with me in case I got bored. So when I saw the Kindle last year I thought "I need that". I compared it to the Sony E Reader and the Kindle was superior. The price was way too high, I thought. I tried to convince myself I didn't need it. That I would be wasting my money. That would be money I could spend on books! So I did what I always do, and wrote a pros and cons list - then I waited until May and finally relented and bought myself one. And holy shit! I fell in love.

Since I got my kindle I've read:

1. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
2. Moonlight
3. Stolen Innocence
4. Black Olives
5. Looking for Salvation at the Dairy Queen
6. Madness
7. Once Upon a Day
8. Spirit House
9. Darkly Dreaming Dexter
10. Breaking Dawn
11. Dearly Devoted Dexter
12. The Song Reader
13. American Wife: a Novel
14. Girls in Trouble
15. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
16. The Myth of You & Me
17. The Surgeon
18. Towelhead
19. Pieces of my Sister's life
20. Story of a Girl
21. How Not to Be Popular
22. Little Stalker
23. Songs for the Missing
24. The Talisman
25. Truth & Consequences
26. Dark Resurrection
27. Escape
28. The Book Of Skulls
29. The Bush Tragedy
30. Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married
31. Assassination Vacation
32. Firefly Cloak: A Novel
33. Mermaids in the Basement

Listing them all out like that makes me seem crazy. I read a lot of YA and Chick Lit. Probably too much. I read a ton of light fluff.

I haven't given up on regular books though. I've read about 10 actual paper / hard backs since I got the Kindle. You'll read a lot of criticism of the Kindle if you look around the web. The buttons are difficult to not accidentally hit. The back button is a pain in the ass because I always hit it accidentally and it totally looses my place. However, I enjoy reading on the Kindle more than a regular book. I really thought I would always see the buttons, but I don't. I've also finally gotten comfortable holding it and not accidentally hitting the next and previous buttons. The screen is amazing. It reads like a book - it looks like a printed book. I rarely have an issue with the room being too dark for me to read the kindle.

The portability of it makes it the best thing ever in my mind! When I used to go on vacation I would have to pack 6 to 8 books. I read a lot of new releases, so that meant schlepping along at least one heavy book. If I was flying I would have to take at least two books in my carry on just in case. Chances were better than not that I would run out of books while I was away, and would have to find a book store and buy more. The kindle stopped that. I can simply download a book where ever I am. I LOVE THAT. LOVE IT.

While we were down the shore, American Wife came out. I love Cutis Sittenfeld and am fascinated with Laura Bush - so I was really looking forward to that one. Normally I would drive to the book store on that Tuesday and buy it in hardback. Then I'd feel guilty I was spending $25 on a book. This time I was able to download it the day it was released while I sat on the beach! And it was only $9.99. That to me was worth the price of The Kindle.

I love you Kindle. You've changed my life.

I accomplished something!

This morning I was all snugly in bed when I thought, fuck it, I'm going to stay here as long as I can. And then I promptly rolled over and pinched a nerve in my neck. So I spent the rest of the day with my head at a weird angle and complaining.

I fully anticipated not doing anything but playing video games and reading.

Instead I:

• Dyed my hair - it's now back to its flamey goodness.
• Changed the sheets on the bed.
• Did the laundry.
• Went grocery Shopping
• Watched the Second Traveling Pants movie
• Made a kick ass Chicken Tortilla soup (except I doubled the cumin, used a splash more wine, cut down the chili powder, and when I ladled it out I put a dollop of sour cream on top and some fresh sliced avocado - oh and I squeezed some lime juice on mine. Served it with Chips & fresh salsa).
• Put up the tree and decorated the house (for the most part - still have to get the candles in the windows and a wreath).

• Shopped for Mr. Pants and the Niece A and Nephew B.

• Bought a new snowman decoration at the pool store - only $11 and it is a candle holder!

(Look how cute! And that's my arm in my PJ's!)

• I also learned how to use my camera on my computer! Only after a year and fairly close to being ready to get rid of it since Brownie pooped on the keyboard and now the L key won't reattach correctly.

Okay... Fine... the poop story - I was talking to Brother C on the phone and had my laptop on my lap on the couch. Brownie decided to walk across it, and I went to shove her off. I pushed gently on her back legs and liquid poop shot out her hind on to my keyboard. I was most unhappy.


All in all it was a good day. Plus I've come to a decision about work. But more on that later.

It's thanksgiving- Do you care what I'm thankful for?

Good morning. I am in the process of making a pie, stuffing, candied yams, Shrimp, Salad dressing and baked brie. And by in the middle I mean sitting on my ass watching the parade. I feel like fucking shit today. Again. Still. I've been keeping how sick I've been feeling since we got back from the shore in September under wraps. Not sure why. But after another sleepless night with pain circling around my belly button, being headache-y and itchy. Weird symptoms that don't lead to anything. Who knows... I just wish I felt more like me. Looks like I'm headed to the doctor soon. Great.

So, I'm not thankful for my health right now.

However, I am thankful for the cats (even when brownie craps on my computer). Our house. That we're both still employed even with the awful economic situation. I'm thankful for Barack Obama. And that George Bush is being so conciliatory with allowing the new administration get a grip on things before Inauguration day. I'm thankful for my family & friends.

I'm thankful that I laugh like a mental patient every time Meredith Vieira makes an awkward transition during the parade coverage.

And that every time they say "Miley Cyrus is coming up" I shout "It's Miley" a la The Soup. And I giggle.

Alright, I'm going to cook and pull my shit together so I can go be with my family. But all I want to do is find cheap books to read on my Kindle (got Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married for $.24 yesterday - 24 CENTS! Who cares I've read it before?) and sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving. Have an extra serving of stuffing for me.

A message for you... and you know who you are

Dear you,
Thank you for listening to me. For offering me advice that I never take. For watching me screw up my face into almost tears 20 different times on Friday and not making fun of me. Thank you for telling me I'm smart, I'm well read, I'm worth knowing. Thank you for helping me believe in myself. Your friendship and mentoring means more to me than I can ever express. I appreciate you more than I let on, more than is probably appropriate.

My world is truly a better place for having you in it and when I said that the best thing that has come out of this job is meeting you - I meant it.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Gay Marriage

I don't live in California. I'm not gay. I'm so far lapsed as a Catholic that I hesitate to even say it is my religious affiliation. I've been married for 9 years. He's Luthern maybe, or Pentecostal or Baptist. It's never been a topic of discussion. We got married not because of Religion but because we loved each other. We wanted to forge a life, build a future and spend it together. It seems ridiculous to me that other people don't have the choice to do the same because they're gay.

I don't understand why a state or even a country would deny people their civil liberties based on sexuality.

Whatever I write about this topic seems weak - maybe because I still have the eloquent words of Keith Olbermann's special comment floating in my head.

VOTE!

I could annoy you with those stupid Don't Vote Videos (funny for the first few minutes - but much too long - just like a Saturday Night Live Skit). I could tell you why I'm voting tomorrow and why it is so important to me to cast my ballot for Obama. I could explain to you why I'm voting the way I am, and how excited I am to see what happens tomorrow.

I could, but I won't.

What is important is that YOU vote tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me who you vote for, but that you vote and let your voice be heard.

Get out there and cast your ballot if you haven't already.

(if you are still undecided - vote Obama! Oh and if you're in California vote no on 8!)

My Dad is a Happy Man Tonight

My earliest memories involve being in the car with my pop while he listened to baseball on the radio. I remember laying in the backseat staring at the ceiling of the car while Harry Callis' voice lulled me into a state of sleepy happiness. My dad is a die hard Phillies fan. He lives and breathes baseball, and like most Philly fans, has had his heart broken more often than he can count.

But tonight... Man, I wish I could share how happy he sounded when I called a few moments ago. The pride in his voice and the wonder that his team had finally done it - and that he had been able to watch it and enjoy it.

Last night I called him to talk politics with him and the talk turned to the Phils. He said "you know, in 1950 I didn't pay that much attention to the World Series and in 1980 I was working too hard to enjoy the win, but this series I've really had the best time watching." Of course then he went on to tell me how he paces around the living room while the game is on and hids his eyes at times because he "just can't bear it".

I work with a lot of guys who are going to be happy tomorrow - and I'm happy. But I'm happiest for my Dad who in this year of awful things has a high point.

Yay Phillies!


Now let's hope that NEXT Wednesday I'm that happy about the outcome of the Presidential election.

If wishes were fishes

I'm eating Gummi Bears as I type this - and on is a mutant bear with an arm growing out of his back. I'm wishing all my gummies were mutants.

Wow.

I was blown away by this video this morning - it sums up a lot of what my friends and I have been discussing when it comes to Sarah Palin.

Wasting away on the Couch

If it's possible, my ass is going to grow into the couch and become some awful Couchass. I have spent 90% of this weekend sitting here, nervously watching the TV and double checking my stocks vs my home's value and my work email (still have a job!). It has not been a pleasant weekend.

Bully is Me

Back from Vacation and trying unsuccessfully to ready myself for the return to work tomorrow. We had a week. There is no adjective there for several reasons:

1. It may seem like a lovely idea to spend a week at the beach with your husband, brother, sister in law, niece, nephew, brother in law and best friend. It is not.

2. When 14 year old nephew tosses sand into 10 year old niece's eye during happy hour on the beach, 4 mildly panicking, drunk adults and one sober one should not make the trip to the emergency room. And by toss I meant stacked an obscene amount of sand into her eye, to the point where the entire corner of her eye was full of sand. For the rest of the evening, you would look at here and see a glob of sand rolling down her cheek.

Why would a 14 year old do that? He was "pretending to fling feces". And he's not developmentally challenged. Or so they tell me.

3. All I could think during the above mentioned incident was "We're heading back, Tod's got zesty Italian in his eye".

4. BFF and I went for Massages. Husband has been complaining about his back pain, he went for a massage that for some reason involved his ass being rubbed for hours.

5. My BiL had never heard of an Ocelot. We were having a discussion about how the Ocelot is the favorite animal of a coworker of mine. BiL: "Why does a grown man have a favorite animal". "I remember the first time I heard of an Ocelot. It was when you started telling this story".

6. The day I went for my massage, we went to the zoo in the morning. When I got naked at the spa, climbed under the sheet, I realized that she probably wanted me to climb between the sheets. As I was sitting there with sheet in my hand, she walked in, I quickly clasped it to my chest and announced "I went to the zoo today" and fell backwards onto the table. I thought it would distract her from my being wrong in the sheets - all it did was prove I'm awkward.

7. My BiL decided that I'm a bully and that people are afraid of me. Which really pissed me off, and made me realize he's right.

8. By Thursday I had had it with everyone and started trying to plan my escape.

9. Next year am going away with just husband.

The Suckiest Day that ever Sucked

I tripped on my way back to my desk this morning and sprained my ankle.

Then at lunch I broke one on my molars eating GRANOLA.

And because I stayed up until 12:30 AM watching gymnastics I drank a piss load of coffee and feel all headachy and shaky.

Gah.

No one believes me

Not too many people like to go to work. Out of everyone I know only Mr. Pants loves his job. His boss is thousands of miles away, he travels extensively and likes what he does. He's one of the lucky ones. I work in an office full of psycho and idiots. We put "The Office" to shame.

Examples:
One of the guys I work with - whose job is not the kind of job you can call out from - he is the customer contact guy - called out yesterday.
Reason?
He ate too many chicken nuggets the night before.

That's actually the best reason he's come up with in awhile.

Previous excuses include:
Coworker: My cat is missing. I won't be in
Me: Oh my God! I'm so sorry! When did she get out?
Coworker: We don't know. The last time we remember seeing her was last week. But I can't work knowing she's lost.

This excused him and his girlfriend from work - conveniently on a Friday. And then cat never came back.

Coworker: I won't be in today.
Me: Oh. Are you sick?
Coworker: Kind of. Hungover mostly. Last night I taped two forties to my hands - you know, Edward Fortyhands? And I feel crappy today.

Ever since the DUI he's late once a week "because the bus sucks".

These are not the call outs of a 22 year old. He's like 30? Maybe older.

And he's one of the best employees we have...

Things I say to my coworkers that I probably shouldn't

To the guy in the next office:
If they didn't pay me, I would never speak to you.

To his girlfriend who works down the hall:
Sometimes you have to look at your life and realize not only does your job suck, but your boyfriend is a loser.

Sunday Drunk

I'm itching to write today - a letter mostly. Letter writing is my drunk dialing. Safer, but much more difficult for me.
Did I mention I've been drinking since noon? It has been a long difficult weekend full of family. So what started as a beer at noon to help clear out the cooler, has rapidly become Mr. Pants saying in an accusatory tone "Are these all your empties?!" while pointing at the line of Corona and Land Shark (the Jimmy Buffet Beer) bottle lining the counter, their limes sadly squeezed and laying in the bottom of the bottles.

So am trying to sober up enough to cook dinner, dye my hair and enjoy The Waterhorse.

So what's been going on? I never write here anymore. I saw The Cure in May and I'm going to see them again this coming Saturday at Radio City Music Hall. I'm very excited. They were excellent in Philly, possibly the best I've seen them in the last 20 years.

I think a nap is in order.

The Cure

There's a longer post behind this one, but I am falling asleep while I listen to Ron and Fez so it'll have to wait.

But I wanted to tell you to go to Itunes immediately and download the new Cure Single. It's awesome. Don't believe me? Watch the Video

Little kids are AWESOME

I haven't posted in awhile because Mr. Pants and I have been super busy spending every waking moment in Lowes, where we'll blow close to $500, only to come home set up the new thing and have Al on his path of destruction knock it the fuck down.

But yesterday I decided to go over to the Game Stop and put a reserve on Mario Kart & Lego Indiana Jones for the Wii. I go in and get in line behind super mom, who is purchasing GTA vice city for her probably under 7 year old. The Game Stop Associate is being as polite as she can, telling Super Mom "this is really bad, like REALLY bad. There's cursing and killing and guns and..." Super Mom "Just ring it up, he's okay". If that kids shoots up his school, she'd be the first to say it was because of violent video games - but whatever! He's your lil' delinquent in the making.

As I am standing there waiting patiently, in walks a woman with a three year old and a baby in a car carrier. She comes in and stands between me and super mom and immediately starts yelling at the 3 year old. The little kid is cute, blonde hair, blue eyes, very chatty. She keeps telling her mom "I love you and I'd really like some popcorn". The mom keeps saying "you aren't getting any popcorn because you aren't standing right next to me". Now, I am not a fan of loud talkers in the morning and this line butting bitch was screeching at her kid. Once super mom wrapped up her transaction and headed out to buy crack for her kids, Screechy stepped up to the register, whipped out a game and did her yell / talk to the Game Stop Associate "My husband bought this and he doesn't realize that we can't be wasting our money on things like this - We have children!" Looks pointedly at the little girl, who is now shoving her hands into the baby carrier and singing "The baby doesn't want to live anymore, the baby doesn't want to live" in a rather melodic tone.

"WHAT ARE YOU SINGING?"

Little kid (With that duh! I'm singing pretty fucking clear here mommy look): "The baby doesn't want to live anymore, the baby doesn't want to live".

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS?"

Lil Kid: "The baby wants to die".

"WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

Me (out loud): "Because she's going to murder the baby".

I put the A in Anti Social

It's early. Or at least it's early for me. Mr. Pants is still snoozing, but I've already started doing laundry and had breakfast. The whole day is spread in front of me like a blank sheet of paper. I could watch Food Network and do nothing. Or I could finish Duma Key in my library. Or I could watch these 3 Netflix movies. Or I could clean my house. Unfortunately cleaning will most likely win.

We had a nice weekend. Yesterday we got up and went to breakfast. We went to a diner a town over, and the food was awesome, but the meal was very awkward. Sitting at the table next to us was my childhood best friend. I glanced over and saw her sitting there and immediately thought "That's Baby B - I should say Hi!" I figured I would wait until she was situated and then go over and say something. Except once she go her two little ones in their chairs, she picked up her cell phone and started to loudly argue with her husband. I leaned over to Mr. Pants and explained who she was. He's said "She's annoying." Suddenly she screeched "Everything always has to be all about you, Jason!" and hung up her phone. Still debating going over and saying something, I tried to mentally prepare myself. It's probably been 12 years since we saw each other and let's face it... I look like I'm wearing a fat suit now. Then she picked up her phone again and made her little daughter explain to "Daddy why he should go to New York".

That's when I decided fuck it and just kept my back to her the whole time. Back when your best friends were decided based on the proximity to your house does not necessarily transcend into adult friendships. Obviously we live two totally different lives (I honestly can not think of the last time I hung up on Mr. Pants - if I ever did) and what would I say? "Baby B? Remember me? We used to spend every waking moment together from Kindergarten to 6th grade - so how have you been since our last college drunken meeting? Really? Well, it's good to see you and be nicer to your husband!".


Is it weird that I wouldn't say anything? My brother thought I was crazy not to at least say hi. But somehow it seems okay to me.