So Christmas is over. It passed in such a blur of personal problems and health concerns, that I didn't enjoy it at all. I am glad it's over and I look forward to what 2009 holds in store for me. There are times that I am shocked by the passage of time. 2 years ago I was getting laid off from Staples and spent a good portion of the next 6 months wandering aimlessly through life. In order to escape that aimlessness I made a serious of bad decisions (some of which I am still making). Will I be able to fix that next year? Probably not, but I am more conscious of those decisions now and weighing their outcome over their benefits.
I'm very curious as to what the story of the journey of my life will tell when it is all done. I have a couple of dear friends. I have a family that I love (albeit in my own prickly way). I have a job that neither sets the world on fire nor makes a difference in anyone's life, yet I am doing fairly well in it. I have my books, my things, my habits and words that make me me. And while I know that 2009 is going to be more difficult than I think I am capable of dealing with, I am going to try to figure it out.
Life is scary sometimes. And right now I am really scared. I could lose my job. I could get sick. I could spend the rest of my life as the crazy cat lady. Or I could find a new job. Fall in love. Make a new friend. Get a dog. Why is it always so easy to look ahead and only see the things you can't do? Or to see the obstacles that stand in your way? Why is so damn difficult to look ahead and say these good things will happen to me? Why am I so pessimistic?
A couple of years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that Super Ex and I would come to some kind of understanding. That he would wake up one day and realize it was me he loved. He would realize his mistakes and stop drinking in order to make it up to me. We would fall back into love and have this magical, awesome life together. Regardless of how fictional I knew that dream was, I held on to it. I gave him chance after chance only to be let down time and time again. Flash forward to today, and I know how foolish that dream was, and I'm over it (and he's in prison). But that dream was impossible to accomplish, because even if he stopped drinking and smoking crack or shooting up, we would still have all the baggage from when we were together last. Yet, I planned and thought that it was something that could - no, WOULD happen. And it didn't. But it turns out the best thing that could have happened to me is that it didn't.
I am very introspective lately, so bear with me. I am going to have nothing but time to spend here, so strap in kids. There is a lot of meandering stories to be told. And maybe by looking backwards at my life (and mistakes) I'll be able to see patterns and figure out how not to repeat them.
Or maybe I'll just type a lot of nonsense here that no one will read.
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