Warning - full of lady business

My vagina hates me. It is in some kind of revolt against me. For years we've lived in harmony, my vag and I, but lately it's like one of us has to go. Since January I've had 4 fucking UTIs which is fine. I mean, not fine, but I have always had an issue with UTIs, so I'm not really surprised. My doctor has started charging me for the urinalysis because it's become a monthly thing and evidently Blue Cross and Blue Shield only covers 2 or some crazy shit. There has been talk of 60 days on antibiotics, or a low dose taken whenever I have sex. Both seem like too much. I'm afraid I am going to get sick and have some tolerance to antibiotics so I'll die of gangrene or something. I've been taking cranberry supplements - 6 a day. It's not helping. So back on the antibiotics on Friday. Which have given me a yeast infection. WTF?? Why do my lady parts hate me?

Other than my angry lady parts, things have been okay. I'm mildly depressed. Nothing really bad, but I kind of want to be alone.

Today = Awesome.

I do realize that saying the day is awesome at 10:30 AM is a bit of a strong statement, but I have a good feeling about today.

I woke up early this morning. I seem to have lost my ability to sleep in. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. I read for awhile, then got up and brewed a pot of coffee. I had a muffin, a 1/2 of grapefruit, and some coffee as I perused my favorite Sunday morning sites.

Thrill as I recount what I ate for dinner last night.

On Friday night the High School Girls and I thought we'd do dinner and a movie. So, Jess & Liz & Violet and I made plans to meet at Houlihan's at 6. Then I decided I wanted to go to Happy Hour. A flurry of texts were sent that made me question if I really did stop my burgeoning alcohol problem in my friends' minds.

Lizzie: "If you go to HH you won't show up at all."
Violet: "No. Not a good idea. You'll have to drive."
Jess: "Bullshit! It'll be 9:30 and we all be at the fucking bar in some shitty chain restaurant waiting and then you'll send a text that says 'sorry bitches! too drunk! Jameson's = YUM'".

So I bailed on Happy Hour. Which was fine, because I really spend too much time with those kids from work and Jameson's does in fact equal YUM and then I would have been all drunk texting and totally wouldn't have made it out.

Instead I rushed home for to see if my UPS package had arrived (it had). Maybe it is living alone, but man, do I get thrilled when I get mail. My friend from work (who needs a nick name for here. It has been frustrating me. I suck at the whole nicknamey thing to begin with and typically use whatever name it is that they use as their blog / myspace / messageboard handle. So for right now I'll go with Monkey. Which I have been trying to make work in real life too. It doesn't. I am fully aware of that. Anyway). Monkey came over for a minute to talk about the end of the shitty week. Which made me totally late for the girls. And when I got there? The fucking restaurant was closed! It closed on 5/12. Somehow I took the collective blame for not knowing this. I tried desperately to convince the ladies that Korean BBQ was the way to go. They disagreed and we drove fucking 30 minutes out of our way to eat at a different Houlihan's. Then we squeezed back to my place to watch 27 Dresses with the plan that is was going to be mockable. It wasn't. It was atrocious. Not "funny bad" or "I can't believe this is this awful" but "Really? Was this script only written with a cliche generator?" so after much discussion of when the hell Ed Burns got so fat we turned it off and watched SNL with Justin Timberlake as the host.

Which made us feel like 4 old ladies who spouted off such stupid lines as "you know, this kid is crazy talented" and "He can sing, he can dance, he has comedic timing, and isn't afraid to mock himself- he's gonna go far!" and "I wouldn't kick him out of bed." If this were 1999 or whenever he brought Sexy Back, I could see this conversation happening, but I really felt like we were a bunch of old ladies babbling away- completely out of touch.

Yesterday I did a lot of errandy things and spent a ton of money I don't have. I must get better at curbing my spending. I must! Then I vegged out on the couch for awhile and caught up on the DVR.

Rescue Me is amazing this season.
30 Rock Finale was hysterical - Cyndi Lauper is one of the drunk ones!
The Office - Motherfuckme - I love Jim and Pam still. I don't care what anyone says.
Big Bang Theory - really? I love that show, but that was one of the weakest eps of the season.

I can't wait for tomorrow's How I Met Your Mother finale. I hear it is going to be awesome.

Monkey came over with plans to watch The Wrestler, but I've only had the netflix for two weeks, and I really prefer to keep them as long as possible. I have been carrying that movie around for the last week hoping to catch some time to watch it. We just keep looking at the run time and deciding to try it later. So hopefully this week. We've been pulling through the big Oscar films and some crazy little independents lately. I love having a friend so willing to watch the crazy stuff I like. I have like a million documentaries coming up on my queue so we'll see if he really likes watching what I do when he's stuck watching "Jesus Camp" or "Spellbound".

Okay, I am going to make some crazy good Bakerella treats today. Oreo Truffels and Cupcake pops. So I must get dress, go to the craft store and then plop down and bake the day away.

I'm Lost with Lost

Seriously? This show is just fucking with me now, right?
I almost regret the last 5 years - I can barely muster enough interest in these characters anymore - I just want resolution.

I am still fighting the remnants of this motherfucking cold. I almost feel like the cough will never go away. It probably would if I stopped smoking - but that's not going to happen. Not with how stressed I am.

I can't even muster 10 minutes tonight. I'm going to bed. Sorry internet - maybe tomorrow there will be rambling, incoherent, writings from me. Tonight? There is sleep only.

Easy like Sunday Morning - or a Slutty Drunk Girl.

Check me out - 9 AM on a Sunday and I'm up and typing away! Yay me!

I spent a whole bunch of time yesterday with my folks. It was really nice. My dad is awesome. He is the one person in my life who has constantly been supportive of me. So much of who I am, the person that I grew up to be came from that man. I know it's mother's day and I should probably be thinking about my mom and how sad her current state is, but in all honestly, she did a pretty crappy job of raising me. She consistently made me feel bad about who I was, what I was doing and was the primary reason that I had to get away and ran straight from home into the crappiest relationship ever. I left one physically and emotionally abusive person for another. But that doesn't matter, because I am totally better now - see - all fixed!

Wow. This is some heavy shit for 9:05 AM.

Last night I watched Wendy & Lucy. I wish I could describe how the movie made me feel with some type of accuracy. It was beautifully shot and Michelle Williams was lovely as always - but the sadness in this movie was amazingly large. And not the sobbing type of sadness of Steel Magnolias, but the bone cutting sadness that stays with you for days afterward. Tonight I may watch The Wrestler and then only happy movies on the Netflix queue for a while.

Okay. It's sunny and early and I found a coffee shop that has S'more flavored Lattes. And I'm making cupcakes today. And chex mix.

I am the Slayer

I have a list that is LONG of things I need to accomplish today. I actually said this morning I was going to "Slay that motherfucking list". Yeah. How's that going? Well I'm on the couch in the clothes I wore last night, typing on my laptop - so slaying? Not my calling.

Of course I only have 9 more minutes to sit here.

Yesterday, work sucked a bag of dicks. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and found myself grumpy as hell. The guy I share an office with told me he was going to stab me in the neck with a key - so my jolly mood was appreciated by all. It was one of those days that all the hidden crap, the stuff that people don't want you to see, totally floated to the top. I spent a lot of my day being really pissed about shit that I had no control over. But then 5 o'clock rolled around and the day got a whole lot better.

I went to happy hour with some coworkers but split early after no shots, 2 beers and a whole lot of laughs- then went over my friend's house to watch Doubt. I had seen it before, but watching it again gave me a better appreciation for it.

Violet and I are not getting along particularly well right now. It is frustrating the fuck out of me and I'm not really sure how to fix it. She is most displeased with the way I am living my life, and without getting into the details, she has no business being pissed. I am really good. And things are really good. This girl has been my friend through the drugs, the abusive boyfriends -all of the lifetime movie plots that my life has encompassed, yet this - my separation from my husband- is the 1 thing she decides she needs to get all judgmental about. It sucks. We've been friends for 20 years and I feel like we aren't going to be friends much longer. I'm going to have to talk to her about it and see if we can't find some middle ground and resolve this. Before it's too late.

Okay, I'm off to slay and make my facebook status a reality.

Thunder Road? Without the Lightning, Please.

Last night I slept the worst I've slept in a really long time. It was almost painful. I fell asleep easily enough, almost immediately, in fact, but then woke up with that scary "where the fuck am I" feeling. After my panic subsided, I realized I forgot to take my cold medicine and it seemed like too much of a hassle to disconnect myself from the bed, find some water and a glass (damn alka seltzer tablets) take the medicine and get back in bed. Plus I didn't know what time it was, so if it was longer than 6 hours before I had to wake up, I would totally be fucked and stuck in that medicine haze all day. So I laid there reciting lines from Pulp Fiction for awhile. Just as I started to fall back to sleep, it started to pour. The rain was really coming down and the thunder was rumbling in the distance. It seemed cozy at first. I was all snug in bed, a little neurotic, but no worse than usual, no panic attack looming or anything - Until the lightning started.

I probably should have prefaced this tale with the fact that I wasn't at my house. I spent the night at my friend's new home (which is lovely by the way). It was raining pretty hard all night, so I decided to just spend the night there, rather than make the long trip home (on highways!).

So, there I was, laying in a strange bed watching the lightning throw all these crazy shadows on the wall. The thunder was now booming and the lightning was flashing a whole bunch. I huddled myself into a tiny ball and turned away from the windows, repeating somewhat quietly "I am not a giant chicken". I resisted the urge that I normally have to lay on the floor away from the windows with a blanket over my head. Of course I totally couldn't fall back to sleep after because my heart was racing and I was all crazy headed. Hence the lack of sleep. Although I did crash fairly hard after work today. So, all better!

So that's my ten minute tale - I'm afraid of thunder and potentially the worst overnight guest you can have. At least I didn't hide in the tub this time. Alright I'm off to watch The Office and put my new monkey sheets on my bed.

Life's dollar Menu

So I have been inspired to write here daily. 10 minutes a day. That's it. Whatever I can pour out here in 10 minutes gets posted. I want to write more, and a friend told me that's the best way to do it. So be prepared for some awful crap.

I have successfully kicked the Swine Flu without a hoof or curly tail appearing. I slept 24 hours between Monday and Tuesday. It was not as lovely as it would seem. Unfortunately my illness sent me spiraling into a huge depression. There is something about lying on the bathroom floor, under a blanket and every so often lifting your head to vomit copious amounts of soup into the toilet in your tiny rental condo that makes you realize "I could die here and no one would no until tomorrow or the next day". I'd like to think my friend who has a key would totally miss me if he didn't hear from me by Noon or so, but I don't know. I'm a lonely girl. My guess is that someone would notice the pile of paperwork on my desk by Friday and sent someone over to check on me. So that's how my death will be discovered. One of the idiots I work with will wonder why their jobs haven't been closed and perhaps one of them will take a ride over to see if I'm alive.

My cold also made me terribly homesick. I missed my bed. My pillows. My cats. Having a person who would make me a milkshake. And soup. And who would offer me the elixir if I was pukey. So I cried my eyes out for a good portion of last night and probably made someone a little uncomfortable. Sorry about that. And thanks for listening and not being all judgy.

And no, I only took 1 fish mox before I realized I was trying to treat myself with FISH AMOXICILLAN. WHAT THE FUCK? HOW FAR WILL I GO FOR A JOKE?

The answer is unfortunately pretty fucking far.

10 minutes NOW. I'm off to get my monkey sheets out of the dryer and finish my friendship bread.

Friendship bread is the new chain letter.